General Robert E. Lee and the Hypocrisy of Modern Historiography

By I.M. Ulysses
This letter started as a reply to a friend on the Civil War Round Table on Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/tcwrt/)

Sir, 

I respect your point of view. No one can make excuses for enslaving or re-enslaving black people who were free, or who became free, and were later captured by Lee's or other Confederate armies in the course of the war and returned to slavery. The Fort Pillow Massacre of black Union soldiers is especially horrid and General Forrest (not Lee), under whose command it happened, justly deserves the condemnation for  it that history gives .

Likewise it is known that "slave raids" by Confederate forces on the march in Union-controlled territory were as common as the destruction of property wrought by Union forces in their march through Confederate territory; with results equally as wanton and barbaric as the re-enslaving blacks who had escaped their masters, or who were freedmen by birth. That said, these actions were committed by both sides in accordance with, and justified by their ideological bent and the 'necessities of war' as they saw them.

In short, no side had a monopoly on virtue in during the war. That said, a reasonable and fair assessment of the conflict, and the events leading up to it, reveal that, despite ideology or nationalist aspirations, the Civil War was centered around the issue of slavery and little else.

This may seem harsh words in the delicate eyes of of apologists and Neo-Confederates, who love to point out that the war was fought largely by non-slaveholders in the South. To them, this validates the view that it was a nationalist conflict rather than a conflict over slavery; an early assertion of the 20th century principle of "self determination" that was, itself introduced by American President Woodrow Wilson during the First  World War (I say ironic because President Wilson was a four-year-old Virginian, who lived through Civil War Virginia, may have even met General Lee, and whose father was a patriotic Southerner and Confederate).

Such apologia, however, is disingenuous at best and ignorant at worst. True, a citizen of the Confederacy might have enlisted for the nationalist idea of  'fighting for independence,' but it was an independence to SECURE slavery. Indeed, had the South won, slavery, in some form, would have persisted for a number of years thereafter.  To say or believe otherwise, therefore, is but a weak (if not desperate) attempt to mask Confederate nationalism and self-determination around a lie, which I refuse to do. Likewise, whatever the reasons a citizen of the Union chose to become soldier in the Civil War, the end result was that he was fighting for emancipation, whether he cared a wit about blacks, or slavery. 

In this regard, the Union cause was as a GOOD cause, while the Confederate cause was a BAD cause - that is if we value the idea of human liberty as a good and human slavery as bad, which I hope we do. This said, however, we must be careful to balance our understanding of war (and the circumstances that brought it about) within the context of AMERICAN, and not merely Southern, history.

In his second inaugural address, President Lincoln said "If we shall suppose that American slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a living God always ascribe to Him?" 

Lincoln didn't cast the blame for slavery (or even the war) primarily on the South but on BOTH the North and the South (as he said, in the same address, "Both read the same Bible and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged.").

The key phrase is JUDGE NOT because the responsibility (and culpability) for slavery existing at all in the United States fell on both sides. Indeed, slavery itself, preceded the war and even the Union, having been a common practice all over the world until the 1800's. 

To thus lay a righteous judgement solely upon the South, and to exclusively pin on it what we call the 'sin' of human bondage, is disingenuous, uncharitable, and morally questionable. Afterall, barely 90 years prior the sides at war in 1861 had together fought a revolution to create a country that DID include slavery within it.

Does anyone dare say that the American Revolution was "wrong" and the British were 'right' because the latter freed black people who fought for them; many of whom settled in the country I call my home? Would ANY American, Northern or Southern, TARNISH, SULLY and otherwise  DIMINISH the fame of men like George Washington or Thomas Jefferson (Southerners and slave-owners all), and impute evil upon them, because they help to found a nation that PROTECTED SLAVERY?

How then can ANY vile judgement rest upon General Lee (himself a nominal descendent of Washington (through marriage)), for doing the same as his forefathers did? How, in fact, can any American can justify and promote contempt for the Confederate cause due to slavery when, once again, the Founding Fathers fought a war that created the United States with slavery  in it too? 

What American, therefore, has a right to judge as EVIL this 'Second American Revolution' when it was fought on the VERY SAME criterion (secession from the mother country, self determination, and black slavery) as the FIRST? Or do the words HYPOCRITES and SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSES mean nothing to those people who seek to "enslave" our understanding of American history solely based on the treatment of black men and women?

Were not others treated horribly by Americans? Were not, for instance, my Loyalist forefathers tarred and feathered, lashed and humiliated, and subjected to other horrible and almost inhuman treatment simply because they chose to fight for their King and not for the apparent band of desperate radicals fighting for this thing called "American Independence?' 

Newflash, WARS, are UGLY and people, BLACK AND WHITE, of all backgrounds and political views, DIE IN THEM, including soldiers. General Sherman himself said 'War is hardship' and then proceeded to demonstrate that by demolishing Georgia and South Carolina during his march in the latter part of the Civil War. As a consequence Sherman's men, ended up inflicting upon the region thousands of casualties, and billions of dollars of destroyed property (incidentally, he also left behind thousands of blacks, who were promptly re-enslaved and harmed by the Southerners he did not kill as he passed through these states). Even Lee, after The Battle of Fredericksburg, said, 'it is well that war is so terrible, lest we grow to fond of it.' 

Are Lee's words, his actions, his conduct, and the very CHARACTER of the man himself, now to be thrown to the wolves of political correctness and "modern" scholarship simply because he ACTED as a man of his time and his region; as Washington, Jefferson and others did, only with a different outcome several decades before?  FOR SHAME! For utter SHAME AND DISGRACE upon ANY who dare do so!

Lee was not perfect. While he is studied and admired as a great military leader and tactician, he was also flat-out lucky that his army was not destroyed at Antietam and later at Gettysburg. In addition to this, he only grudgingly (it seems) freed his own slaves, not as a result of hating slavery but in respect of his father's will. 

Despite some glaring failures (he did lose the war), and personal shortcomings (he saw slavery as a positive good for black people, as did many of his peers)  Lee does, however, deserve our respect if not our admiration. He, like Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln himself, came to represent the BEST (and not the worst) in all who served under him, as well as all who knew him.  Never known as a harsh, disrespectful, or cruel, Lee is rightly remembered as a rather humble man, despite his Patrician background. 

He prayed often during the war, with little reason to doubt that he was sincere in his love of his enemies, and hatred of the war he waged with much skill, dedication and true patriotic duty. Firm but fair, and almost always courteous, he embodied the best attributes of the gentleman he saw himself to be, as well as the class he represented.

A story, perhaps apocryphal (but which was popularized author Shelby Foote during his appearance in the Ken Burns miniseries,"The Civil War,") tells the tale of what happened to a student during Lee's tenure as the post-Civil War president of what became Washington and Lee University in Virginia. The student had been brought before Lee for some infraction of the rules. He was, naturally, quit nervous if not visibly trembling as he faced the great general. According to the story, Lee said to him "you need not fear anything, you will get justice here." The student, it is said, replied "Yes sir, that's what I'm afraid of." 

True or not, this story says plenty about the so-called "Marble Man of the Confederacy;" the stone 'idol' that has been practically worshipped by every Southern boy since the war, and a good many Northern ones too. Whether Lee truly deserves that, I cannot say. But there is no doubt that when people think of him, it's not as "the guy who fought for slavery," any more than they do for Washington, Jefferson and others who did the same during the Revolution. Rather they impute to Lee and them the best qualities of manhood; honour, duty, patriotism, devotion, compassion, chivalry, and all those other traits that many would ascribe as the virtues of good people even now. Only they do it to a man who fought for a cause that was wrong on many counts. 

But is that, itself, wrong to do? Are we only allowed to have "perfect men" as our historical champions and models of manhood?

Good luck with that, I say, for there are none, except Jesus Christ; and people are even divided in their views of HIM! Indeed, even President Lincoln was a very flawed leader, with some historians going so far as to suggest that he actually PROLONGED THE WAR by several months through poor decisions, thus needlessly causing the deaths of thousands and thousands of soldier that might have returned home safely. 

Despite this Lincoln is REVERED as the 'Great Emancipator' but not the 'Great Black Colonizer,' a man who proposed colonizing freed blacks during the war itself. As for the "Emancipation Proclamation" issued in 1862 and formalized as policy in January 1863, in practice it didn't free any slaves, except those areas of the Confederacy then occupied by Union forces (the abolition of slavery had to await the passage of the 13th amendment just prior to the war's end in 1865).  

Is Lincoln to be loved and Lee hated simply because Lincoln WON and Lee LOST? Is it ok to consider Lincoln a great man because he freed black people from slavery (even though that was not his original intent in waging the war) while Lee is to be seen a bad man because he fought to keep them in bondage? Is this now the only way in which we are to judge 'good and evil'? IF so, it is a limited and a HYPOCRITICAL ONE, especially considering American history and American historical figures as a whole. 

I, personally, feel it is only fair and right to give Lee, and the South, the due credit they deserve for the fight they waged, even if that fight was for a bad cause. Lee was a product of his time, as were the Founding Fathers, and they all did or permitted in wartime things that would, in peacetime, seem atrocious to any right-thinking person with an ounce of decency (unless anyone feels like leveling a city for kicks?). 

That is the nature of war; bringing out the base and bad (and seldom the good) in people. The South took up arms to perpetuate slavery, the Union took up arms to end slavery; that was the end result and the central pivot upon which the war turned, all other things aside. Lee fought for the South and all it represented, good and bad, and his flaws deserve to be noted as well as his good points. But it is WRONG, HYPOCRITICAL, UNFAIR and IMMORAL to see him as a 'bad' man for his treatment of blacks people alone when American history is full of such contradictions and such men;  many of whom are loved and cherished the world over DESPITE their affinity for slavery and mistreatment of slaves too. 

Lincoln said at the end of his second inaugural "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on....to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations." Let us do likewise. Let us strive to not walk blindly as the self righteous do, judging people, judging history even, based on one characteristic or another, while conveniently ignoring the ramifications of that upon all of history itself.

Rather let us approach Lee, and the Civil War, and other such contentious subjects, "With malice toward none, with charity for all" knowing that we, too,  are all flawed, imperfect people, as well as many of the figures we do cherish universally. Indeed it can be said that, as people, our only real virtue is virtue itself, along with ALL (and not one) of those better qualities we choose to ascribe to it. 

These virtues, however, cannot and must not be held hostage to the political fashion of our times, along with our own contradictions and hypocrisy. To do so is a grave injustice and marks us, I fear, far worse as a generation and a people than those whom we so arrogantly, and precipitously, choose to judge instead.

Peace.

A Brief History of Aaznawk, and why we celebrate it!

By I.M. Ulysses.

Kwanzaa – made up holiday based on a Swahili word and started in 1966 to celebrate black culture from December 26 to January 1

Aaznawk – made up holiday based on reversing the letters of Kwanzaa to show how stupid it is to make up holidays in the first place. It is a festival designed to celebrate being stupid, and runs during the week leading up to April Fool’s Day, which is also the last and the Chief Day of this holiday.

A brief history of Aaznawk

Symbol/mascot:

Odie, used without permission, is the symbol of Aaznawk. He is a lovable, happy, stupid, almost useless dog, very much like every made up, fake holiday and celebration.

Principles:

Aaznawk was created on July 16 2016. As of this writing the origins of Aaznawk go back about 3 minutes (and counting) and stem, entirely, from the creators imagination and desire to mock people and pretentious, stupid holidays, along with the pretentious people that celebrate them. But I think it will catch on some day because people love having excuses to drink too much, eat too much, and buy stuff they don’t need for people they don’t really like in order to maintain their veneer of charity and civility.

Eventually people may realize how dumb it really is to celebrate something that is not based on any historical or religious event (like Kwanzaa). That, of course, may take a very long time before it happens, if it ever does. In the meantime, I hope this new holiday does what most holidays, real and imagined, do best: generate lots of cash flow from gullible people, who clearly have too much of it.

Some readers, no doubt, will think I’m evil, racist or bigoted for mocking faux holidays and/or their rituals because they somehow “appeal” to large numbers of “sincere” if  misguided people and/or a wide assortment of genuine morons and dupes. Actually, I think it makes me very pragmatic.

The Romans, for instance, knew that to keep people in line and happy, namely by giving them bread and circuses.  Occasionally, however, they would mix things up a bit by throwing in a few Christians (and other contrarians) to the lions, just to keep things interesting.

We, however, are more "civilized" then that. Instead of lions, we throw innocent people (and their real concerns and genuine traditions and holidays) to social reformers, lawyers, and liberals, who proceed to change or modify them according to their sensibilities, however warped and perverted they may be. This I find is actually a far worse fate than being tossed to the lions, though I prefer not having to make that choice if push comes to shove.

Either way, judge for yourselves what is right or wrong. In the end please note that I really, truly, and heartily don’t give a flippin damn what anyone thinks, my dears.  I simply hope that you get a good laugh or smile out of this, and also have something to ponder as you go on living and doing what really matters.

Now that we understand each other, for those who genuinely WANT to celebrate Aaznawk, I have devised an Order of Service. Unlike most holidays on the Western Calendar, I believe that quantity DOES equal quality, and to that end I’ve decreed (and it is so decreed…by Me, the founder) that Aaznawk should be celebrated over multiple days. Here now is the Order of Service of Aaznawk:

The OASOA (Order of service of Aaznawk)

1.  Aaznawk is not a "Holy Day" and, therefore, it cannot be a “holiday.” Aaznawk is more like a vacation ‘holiday’ and must be celebrated  in a similar manner; by spending money, buying lots of useless crap, and taking lots of photos of stupid or boring things you have done the holiday. Exercising monetary restraint, not buying useless crap, and taking interesting photos, is strictly forbidden.  Those violating this rule will be subject to 100 hours of listening Abba’s “Dancing Queen,” the worst, most stupid song ever written or played IN HUMAN HISTORY (hey, my holiday, my rules, my customs and yes, my taste in music, and penalties too).
2. The punishment can be served 100 hours straight or be broken up over 30 (but not exceeding) 30 calendar days, including weekends.
3. If the straight time punishment is selected, the guilty party will be provided with three half-hour breaks for bathroom usage, and four half hour breaks for lunch, dinner and breakfast per 24 hour cycle.  At all other times the song must be played at a conversation-level volume either through external speakers or through a personal music device at all other times until the 100 hours are completed (times for bathroom breaks and meal breaks cannot be deducted from the 100 hour punishment).
4.  Failure to carry out the full measure of the punishment will disqualify a person from participating in the rites and rituals of Aaznawk until they do.
5.  Aaznawk begins seven days prior to April Fool’s Day (also known as Atheists Day – read Psalm 14:1).
6. The first day of the holiday will be known as The GaF, or The Gathering of Fools Day. IF the GaF (which starts at 1:01 AM of the day designated) is set to begin on Sunday then it must be delayed one day and begin on Monday at 1:01 AM.
7. The final day of Aaznawk, April 1st, is to be known hereafter as Kulmination Day. It begins at 1:01 Am and ends at 6:01 PM on the same day. If Kulmination Day falls on a Sunday then it must be pushed forward one day and end at 6:01 PM on Monday or April 2.
8. Prior to the start of The GaF, people must be alert and sober. At precisely 1:01 Am of The GaF begins with the ceremony known as “The Cutting of  the Pizza” (or CoP)
9. The Pizza is the symbolic food of The GaF and must be prepared (or delivered fresh from the pizzeria) in this fashion:
10. The pizza must have a crust made of fresh dough (not frozen and then thawed – I hate that crap). The dough or crust must be made up of enriched white flour (whole wheat flour is permitted), yeast, salt and seasonings as desired. Crusts with cheese baked in them  are not permitted.
11. The pizza must include a sauce made of genuine tomatoes. It can be homemade or purchased from the store,, and seasoned with Italian seasonings (sauces bought from the store can either be a specific ‘pizza sauce’ or a pasta sauce as long as they are made from tomatoes – ‘white’ sauces or alternatives are not permitted). The amount of sauce on the pizza must, likewise, cover the whole pizza from the middle to the edge and be tasted in every bite.
12. The pizza must have 100% shredded mozzarella cheese.  Some parmesan cheese may be added for added flavour, but no other kind of cheese is allowed on the pizza.
13. The pizza MAY have pepperoni on the cheese (not under the cheese – we are not barbarians, Liberals, guys from Ottawa, or Albertans) and it must cover the pizza in such a way that every slice has at least one or two pieces of pepperoni on it. No other meats are allowed. Plain cheese pizza is acceptable but those choosing this option will not be allowed to include any other toppings. Also, anyone ordering or making a so-called 'Hawaiian Pizza" (pineapple and ham) must and will be given the same punishments as indicated in sections 1, 2, 3 and 4 - for the record, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "HAWAIIAN PIZZA" unless it is a pizza that is actually made IN Hawaii!. 
14. The pizza MAY have green or red peppers (diced or sliced) on it, and even onions. Onions alone are not permitted (we are not trying to kill people with bad breath). Additionally, the toppings must also be put on top of the cheese and not below it.
15. The pizza must be thoroughly cooked, with light browning of the cheese and a toasted look to the bottom. Over cooking the pizza is not permitted. If it is, it must be remade to qualify for the CoP ceremony  
16. The GaF pizza must be big enough to allow those attending to each get a minimum of one slice. Each slice must be smaller than 8 Cm wide at the crust edge in order to be fully enjoyed and qualified for the CoP
17. Prior to the cutting of the pizza, or the removal of the sacred First Slice (if delivered or picked up from a pizza parlour) the host must lead Prayer of Blessing on those gathered with them, to whoever deity they believe exists. For those hosts who don’t have a deity, you are requested to borrow one for the duration of Aaznawk, as long as you return him, her, or it, back in same the condition you found him, her, or it to the person, place or thing you borrowed the deity from.
18. The person who gets the sacred First Slice (selected by the host, who can also choose him or herself for the First Slice) must, upon completion of the Prayer of Blessing, raise the” Golden Chalice” and make a toast on behalf of those gathered.
19. The toast must be done in a spirit of humour and sincerity, and validated by the clicking the Golden Chalice by everyone attending the GaF.
20. The Golden Chalice can be any standard beer mug and contain a minimum of one pint of beer (all beers but Budweiser are permitted – Budweiser not being real beer). No other fluid, including dealcoholized beers, are permitted for this toast.
21.  Everyone attending must also have a similar chalice, filled with the identical beer, or a dark soft drink (including a diet soft drink). But only the person performing the toast, which must contain beer, shall be deemed to possess the Golden Chalice.
22. Upon completion of the toast, all participants must say “Thank you” simultaneously and take a drink from their mugs prior to eating their slices of pizza.
23.  After the CoP, the GaF continues until the first light of dawn. During that time, GaFfers may indulge in more eating or drinking. A good host is also obligated to keep enough pizza and beer (or soft drinks) around until all have had their full.
24.  At a time no later than dawn, the festivities must end (if they have not ended beforehand due to tiredness, drunkenness, sickness, or police intervention). At that point, the GaFfers who are still conscious and in attendance, must gather for the Tall Tales Talk (or Triple T).
25.  Triple T involves the telling of funny or humour stories (whether true or not, though most stories are more fun if true than not) about people they know, people they like, people they hate,  or people that they wish they knew. They can also include stories of those in attendance, and/or of oneself.
26.  After everyone has told their story, the host must determine which is the Tallest of the Tall Tales. The teller of the Tall Tale gets the coveted "BS Award,"that the host has bought and placed under the Tall Tale Tree (the tree has to be a minimum of  6.5 ft. tall, real or artificial, and decorated with lights and other assorted paraphernalia)
27.  After the BS Award, GaFfers can exchange gifts with each other, if they so wish. The gifts must reflect the festive nature of this holiday and show both taste and humour.
28. After gifts are exchanged, the host can dismiss the GaFfers or the GaFfers can stay and pass out on the floor or couch as they deem best. Under no circumstances, however, can a host allow a GaFfer to leave or try to drive drunk (this is not a frat party after all!).
29. The second day of Aaznawk is known as ‘HO Day’ or Hangover Day. HO Day is to be celebrated no later than 9:00 am by the ceremonial ‘Washing of faces’ and the ‘drinking of Alka-Seltzer.’   This is to be followed by the ceremonial ‘First cup of Joe’ where  those who took part in the GaF may, on their own, or if in the company of others, drink coffee (or strong tea) until a level of consciousness is reached, sufficient to call or say to fellow GaFfers the blessing ‘How Wasted Was I?”
30. If the reply given is akin to ‘hey, dude, I was too wasted myself’ then the reply must be or include the phrase ‘dude, that’s awesome.’
31. If the reply given is akin too ‘hey dude I don’t know and I don’t know who this chick lying naked next to me is’ the reply must include the phrase ‘awesome! You rocked it.’
32. If the reply contains a reference to a person of the same sex, animal, or inanimate object, the reply must include the phrase ‘dude, that’s messed up.   
33. The rest of HO Day must be spent in recovery. This can including staying in bed, staying at home, or at a friend’s place (preferably a fellow GaFfer’s). During the day, the holy Ritual of the WoT (Watching of TV) must be performed for no less than 4 hours. Those who must go to work, however, will be permitted to perform a minimum WoT of two hours upon their return is required home (please note that the TV does not have to be on, or a show be playing, for the WoT to take place. It is merely done to show reverence to the makers of TV, the greatest invention (almost) since pizza.
34. Any and all food is permitted during the WoT ritual, though potato or corn chips, popcorn, chocolate, pizza, or fried chicken, is considered the most suitable. Drinks must follow the guidelines set in the OASOA rules 20 and 21.
35. Upon completion of the WoT, all GaFfers are required to say the blessing ‘All hail TV.’ This concludes the requirements of HO Day and participants are free from any further rituals until the following day.
36. The third day of Aaznawk is known as ‘Squat.’ Squat is the day set about for the doing of nothing or as close to nothing as possible without (see rules # 37-41 below):
37.  - Being considered legally dead
38.  - Getting fired from your job (if you must go to work)
39.  - Soiling your clothes or the room you are in
40.  - Getting into a fight with your spouse, female lover, kids, or anyone else
41.  - Interfering in the lives of those around you.
42. Squat begins at 12 Midnight of the third day and ends at 11:59 PM of the third day.        
43. The fourth day of Aaznawk is known as ‘Half Wit’ in honour of the festival being half over . Half-Wit Day (hereafter known "The  HaWD ") begins at 12 noon of the fourth day and ends at 11:59 PM of the same. During the day participants are required to say, in a conversational voice, at least one stupid thing per hour. The remark can also be racist, sexist, irreligious, bigoted, politically-incorrect, or just plain insulting. If a participant is questioned about their remark, they should not apologize. Rather they are to simply state that they are celebrating The HaWD and it is bigoted and racist for anyone to question the sincerity of their religious convictions or beliefs, or try to limit them in any way because we represent oppressed minority and our rights are protected under all  laws and statues covering the same.
44. The fifth day of Aaznawk is known as ‘Five’ because it is the fifth day. Nothing special happens on this day. If, however, one meets, knows, or encounters someone else who is celebrating Aaznawk, they are to say “Hail to the Fifth” or “Hi Five.” If meeting in person, this can be accompanied by mutual ‘high fiving’ of right hands.
45. The sixth day of Aaznawk is to be known as the ‘Pre Kulmination Day’ or ‘Preparation K. Day.’ (Prep K Day is also an acceptable short form).
46. Prep K Day is the day selected for the participants of Aaznawk to reflect upon the freedom and joy that comes with being stupid. Parties, much like The GaF, are encouraged, where-in all attendees are to gather round and share the experience of being stupid in the past year and how they can continue to be stupid in the year ahead too. 
47. Prep K Day Begins at 12:01 Am on the day preceding Kulmination Day and goes until 11:59 PM of the same day.
48. If Prep K Day falls on a Saturday, then Prep K Day must be pushed into Sunday as Kulmination Day cannot fall on a Sunday.
49. If Prep K Day falls on a Saturday, then Prep K Day becomes known as “The Festival of the 6^th or “The FiX”
50. The FiX is to be celebrated much like “Five” except when one meets or encounters someone else celebrating Aaznawk they are to say the blessing “The FiX is in” and “Hail to the FiX.”  “High fives,” like wise, are to be broken up as two “high threes” using the three middle fingers of the hand.
51. The 7^th Day of Aaznawk is known as The Kulmination. Kulmination is the ‘high’ but not ‘holy’ day of Aaznawk (see The OASOA #1). It involves the annual "Parading and Kissing of The Odie" at sunrise. The parade should be a minimum of two average city blocks long, with The Odie being the last float or object in it. As it passes by, people celebrating Aaznawk in person must reach out and touch or kiss The Odie, symbolizing their unity of stupid people and their continued support of the same. If a person cannot be at the parade, they can still celebrate Kulmination Day by watching it on tv and touching or kissing the screen as The Odie goes by.
52.  Recorded versions of the parade are also suitable if shown before noon, though recordings of previous years' parades do not qualify…unless of course you think you can get away with it (those that can will be known as the Dukes of Dumbass for pulling it off).
53. After The Odie passes, people should hug and jump for joy, knowing that Stupid has been preserved yet for another year. Those present at the parade should go home and share with their families, and their guests, the joy of being stupid though song and story. This is also the final time during the celebration where it is permitted to exchange gifts, though the gifts given on this day must be superior in value (a minimum of 50% more) to the ones given before. These gifts can only be given after the Passing of the Odie at the end of the parade. Those violating this rule will be known as Kill Joy Kulminators and must re-watch the parade and host another party to make it up before the week is over.
54. Kulmination Day begins at 12:01 am of April 1^st or April 2^nd if April 1^st falls on a Sunday. It ends at 12:02 am of April 2^nd or April 3^rd because, face it, there is nothing better than celebrating being stupid for a little longer each year.

Why Richard Hatch Matters

By I.M. Ulysses

While not having the same cultural or emotional impact that Leonard Nimoy's (March 26, 1931 - Feb. 27, 2015) "Mr. Spock" did on the science fiction and popular culture scene, the news of the passing of Richard Hatch is still a significant blow to his many fans, friends and family members. That's because Mr. Hatch was a true hero for many of us who watched and loved his character, Apollo, on Battlestar Galactica, The Original series, which aired from September 1978 to May 1979. 

Though he went on to other roles after BSG TOS ended its very short run, his Apollo showed a whole generation of young kids how to be brave in tough circumstances, strong in the face of sadness, resolute before your enemies, and loyal to your friends and family. He also  demonstrated the nobility of self-sacrifice and how being the 'better man' could be done without appearing as the bigger fool too.

But even more than that, Mr. Hatch's Apollo showed us just how a good father-son dynamic might actually work; one I wish other show writers would take note of today. Despite current beliefs, father-son relationships really don't have to be base on  "conflicts" alone (the Apollo played by Jamie Bamber in the BSG 2003/2004 series was a bit too much a hothead for my liking, though the Adama played by the GREAT Edward James Olmos was as good (if not superior) to the one played by the LEGENDARY Lorne Greene). They can also be about "how" to be a good father and a good son even in the midsts of catastrophe, flight, and fear. 

The relationship between Hatch's Apollo and Greene's Adama did that, and did it very well!  In fact the clear chemistry between the young Hatch and the wise older Greene made the the onscreen relationship between their characters so vivid as to make one believe they were not merely acting out their parts but living them. In some ways it actually made me a a bit jealous, too, in that I did not have that same kind of relationship with my dad, something that other young kids of my era may have also felt as well. 

That's not a bad thing either. We actually need to see more of these types of good relationships on our big and small screens too, if only to model behaviours and attitudes that are sorely missing right now in the real and tv world too.

This is why Richard Hatch matters. His character could be strong, brave, manly and assertive but without being a mouthy, lippy, disrespectful jerk-off either. In other words, Apollo and Adama were a good example of a positive family dynamic, something you don't see much of in this new age of 'real' or 'gritty' television "reality." 

I guess that is what I miss most of about the original BSG, and why I hoped Mr. Hatch would succeed  in his mission to revive it, with the surviving members of the original cast returning to their original roles. Beyond that Hatch's work on the new Star Trek fan-series "Prelude To Axanar " (where he played Klingon Commander Kharn and was to appear in the subsequent fan production Star Trek: Axanar) was amazing and I had great hopes that this fine actor would be able to make this new character as relatable as he did both Apollo and Tom Zerek (in the revived Battlestar Galactica 2004-2009). Now those dreams, too, are shattered and we, as fans (to say nothing of his friends and family) are poorer, as a result of it also. 

At the news of Mr. Hatch's passing, a friend tried to compare his loss to the loss of Leonard Nimoy. The two, however, are not in the same league. That's because Mr Spock is a special and unique character that will forever be iconic; one that can stand alone (and apart) from EVERY character in science fiction going forward. Also, Mr. Spock has already been made again (and made again very well) by Zachary Quinto in the J.J. Abrams-revival of Star Trek of 2009. Likewise there have been other Vulcans, played by other actors, who did a fine job with their own 'Spock's' or Spock-like characters too. 

But Richard Hatch's Apollo wasn't, isn't, and never can be as unique (nor as culturally relevant), as Mr. Spock no matter who plays him. That is because Apollo was simply a good, loyal, son and dedicated step-father (to Boxey). He was also an efficient officer, and a great pilot who always sought to do right while dealing with his own inward pain; something that Hatch did a great job of concealing and yet revealing in small ways throughout the series.

In this regard Apollo was not very revolutionary, unlike the alien-half-breed that was Mr. Spock. Yet it is precisely because of that that Apollo also so great too. For inasmuch as Apollo represented the best of those refugees fleeing their home world's destruction and seeking the legendary planet Earth, he also came to represent, to my 11 year-old self, what I hoped, one day, would be the best of me too.

Sure there was another great character on Battlestar Galactica, the equally-loved Starbuck played by Dirk Benedict. Starbuck (the revived Battlestar Galactica version was a female character, ably played by Katee Sackhoff) was a brash, mouthy, lovable rogue; a character who was everything that Apollo was not. As a kid, a big part of me wished I could be Starbuck, even as I knew I was not. But I could be Apollo. In fact, I believed that all the kids I knew growing up could, one day, be Apollo too, if they wanted to be (and maybe some have, in later life!). 

This is what made Mr. Hatch's Apollo so good, and so important too. Unlike modern t.v. characters (and even actors), Apollo inspired us to be become better sons, fathers, students, leaders, and professionals but without the 'grit' or innate 'flaws' such characters are often represented has having today.

A lot that is because of who Richard Hatch was, as well as the "time" in which BSG TOS was written (the late 70's). But it was also because, unlike Mr. Spock, Mr. Hatch's Apollo was reachable. Spock was not. He was also human. Spock was not. He was believable, Spock was not. He was a character we could all emulate if we tried, Spock we could not.

When Nimoy died, he took the 'real' Spock with him. Before that, we saw how his Spock evolved into a more human, more relatable person, with each step making him a better a reflection of ourselves. Richard Hatch's Apollo never had to do that because he already was "us,' but in the best form possible.

This is the other major difference between Mr. Spock and Apollo, and Mr. Nimoy and Mr. Hatch. Instead of letting us watch while his character struggled to grow and imitate us (as Mr. Spock/Nimoy did), Apollo/Hatch showed us how to grow and imitate...him!

That's a special accomplishment for any actor and any character they play. It may also be why Richard Hatch worked so hard to bring back the original version of the series that made him famous; not for himself alone I believe, but for all us "kids" who never got (and now never will get) the chance to see how a good man can remain a good man, without compromise, and without apology either. 

And that, too, is why Richard Hatch matters.

God rest your soul, "Apollo" from me and a whole generation of kids you inspired

Dedicated to Richard Hatch, May 21, 1945 - February 7, 2017, best known for playing the original Apollo on Battlestar Galactica, the Original Series (1978-1979)

Actors should just shut up!

Meryl Streep is a great actress. I would go so far as to say that I love Meryl Streep and feel lucky to be alive in a time when she is making great movies and earning awards for them, as her talents deserve..
Streep truly is one of the greatest actresses and actors alive, perhaps one of the greatest of all time (and almost as great as my favorite, Al Pacino). But whether it is Streep, Sarandon, or Sean Penn, they all seem to forget one thing: they are just ACTORS and ACTRESSES, not our social conscience or the guiding light of our lives either.
This was brought home to me, again, tonight when Meryl Streep, after getting her Cecil B. DeMille Award, launched into a barely concealed tirade against everyone's favorite 'new Hitler,' President-elect Donald Trump. Her attempted character assassination of someone who Hollywood disagrees with is nothing new, nor is the forum she used (an awards ceremony, the Golden Globes); comfortably ensconced among a group of rich, famous actors, producers, directors and assorted flotsam of self-indulgent individuals. 
While Streep has as much a right as anyone to speak their minds, we should also be aware of the fact that the place it comes from is not the place where most the the people who see her movies are at. These people are all privileged and famous, but who also depend on the masses to make them rich and famous. Beyond that I think most are vacuous, self-righteous idiots who using their fame to either self-promote or to promote the values and ideas that many legitimately despise and which corrode the values that built our society(s).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that Streep was wrong to call Trump out for his bad behaviour during the recent election campaign. In fact, it behooves us all to do the same when he, or anyone else in power or in the public eye, deserves it. But Streep's comments are so typical of the Liberal Elite of Hollywood, that I'm almost embarrassed now to have seen her last movie.
Frankly, I think it's long since time that Hollywood actors and actresses learned and accepted that, while they hobnob and receive awards among their millionaire friends, and assorted famous people, that they did not get their on their own or because of any special merit. They owe their status, their fame and wealth because they managed to sufficiently entertain enough of the mouthy, loud, crude, rude obnoxious people (that do most of the living, dying, tax paying and voting in the world), so as to make them buy tickets to their movies or watch their shows. In short, people who probably act like Donald Trump does in their unguarded moments too.
So, to Meryl, and that entire pack of self-righteous Hollywood windbags, please remember what and who you REALLY represent: a tiny group of fortunate people, living good lives and enjoying good things, who are paid to entertain those who actually do real work and need a break, once in a while, from the daily grind of life.
These people are not playing a mere 'role' that they need to research for a while. They work, day in and day out, trying to balance their work and family lives. They cannot afford nannies or limos or private jets to take them to some faraway place to merely 'act' a part; they do it on a daily basis. 
In the end, Meryl, you and your whole crew of Hollywood actors, actresses and assorted producers, directors, etc., are little more than the modern equivalent of trained monkeys in a circus, paid to amuse us with your antics.You are not paid LECTURE US about who we vote for, why we vote for them, or how 'dangerous' you gasesous windbags think they are. 
So, please, keep us amused. Keep us entertained. Inspire us with your acting in some (flawed) historical drama, or an exciting part in a science fiction epic that takes us away, however briefly, from our humdrum lives. But please do NOT shove your twisted, liberal social-engineering agenda down our throats, or get on your high horses about "freedom" while using your fame to smother the views of those who disagree with you.
Now...shut up and entertain us, monkey. We have a busy week ahead, doing real work.
Sincerely,
I.M. Ulysses.