Social "Murder" and the Communist Cure: A Satire

By I.M. Ulysses

I want to thank writer Dennis Raphael for his thoughtful and incisive article "Social murder and the Doug Ford government" (Toronto Star October 8, 2018). Were it not for him, I would not have realized that, despite much social progress since the time of Karl Marx and his partner, Friedrich Engels in the 19th Century, that Premier Doug Ford (and, presumably, all his supporters) were guilty of 'Social Murder' in the 21st!

Indeed, it was quite 'enlightening' to realize that in our modern age, with a multitude of social programs, including Employment Insurance, Workers’ Pensions, Welfare, Medicare and a raft of other taxpayer funded policies, we are still living in a society that deliberately oppresses the working class that do most of the living, dying, and working. 

That our Premier could have done so in the short 100 days since he took office, without even having passed his 'austerity' budget and put forward the "massive imposition of cutbacks to services," is even more amazing and quite troubling. 

Indeed it hearkens back, does it not, to the famed Marie Antoinette and her "let them eat cake" quote, urging the masses to enjoy the few crumbs our betters will kindly provide us as we struggle in the drudgery and aimlessness that, apparently, is our lot in sewer that Ontario has flung itself into since June 7th 2018. 

Truly we now live in a dark age where the lumpen proletariat, like myself and my co-workers, are fully oppressed and in need of the liberating policies put forward by Marx and Engels in their Das Kapital and the Communist Manifesto. Indeed it is quite conceivable that, before long, the Premier (who is truly the new manifestation of Hitler and Trump, but with better hair and no mustache) will likely reduce workplace protections like the 40-hour work week, outlaw unions, paid vacations, government holidays and he may even cancel Christmas too. Before long he will set up work camps and force us all to wear cheap suits as we labour in endless toil providing services and resources to the upper classes that oppress us, unless we, the uneducated masses, take power away from him and his elitist friends!

Truly it is now long past the time to strike a blow! It's time, indeed, to raise high the Red Banner of Socialism and march in the streets! 

Let us give up our cell phones, our cars, our televisions, our computers (in fact, every luxury we enjoy as 'victims' of Capitalism), and our fake freedom and burn down Queen's Park! Let us riot in the streets and demand peace, bread and land from these morbid oppressors of liberty and throw them into the dungeons of doom that now looms before us in this new and horrible era that is dawning upon us!

Down with Capitalism! Down with democracy! Let's set up our soviets of workers and peasants and before long we, too, can enjoy the 'benefits' of Workers Paradises like Venezuela, North Korea, Cuba, and the former Soviet Union, among other progressive societies that 'take care' of people!

Never mind gulags, state terror, daily indoctrination, fake facts and secret police. These are clearly nothing but temporary hiccups on the path to true Socialism that the countries of the former East Bloc once fully "enjoyed." But these regimes have since betrayed the historical dialectic that Marx so eminently put forward and are now on their path to ruin and tyranny that we now have here in the Social Murder capital of the world, as Ontario is known today!

So thank you, Professor Raphael (and the "progressive" Toronto Star) for your wonderful, intelligent, and forward-thinking column! Your 'wisdom' is timeless and on behalf of all the oppressed masses suffering under the vile Ford Regime, thank you for showing us, as Marx did some 160 years ago, that we "have nothing to lose but our chains."

The Fall of Patrick Brown: A lesson in Political Correctness gone mad

By I.M. Ulysses

When Patrick Brown took over the Conservative Party of Ontario, I thought (ever so briefly) that the Ontario PC's had finally found their legs, their grass roots, and their soul. I truly believed, for the few months I was in agreement with him, that the party also had a chance to grow again after the Hudak debacle. Then he started talking and what came out of his mouth was neither Conservative, rational or inspiring.

In little to no time, Brown co-opted the Ontario and Federal Liberal Party platform(s) and started pandering to the same people they have long sucked-up too. Then he tried to remake himself and the party, first by a HORRIBLE logo (whoever did that must have been tripping on LSD as I still get nauseous seeing it) and then by a conscious desire to move it away from the Blue Tory legacy of William Davis that made it a force in the 70's and early 80's.

In the process Brown jettisoned the REAL Conservatives that created and long supported it, fostering splinter parties like the Trillium Party, all the while encouraging the remainder to follow his lead as he walked them down like a Pied Piper to (he thought) political glory, but more likely irrelevance.

So, as WELCOMING as his fall is for Blue Tories like myself, the accusations (not charges, not yet) certainly were not, the preferred method for his political internment. But this is the Age of Sexual Persecution, the time of comeuppance and wrath by those who hid their dirty laundry and old skeletons for 10-20-30 or more years, only to have some anonymous women 'bravely' and 'courageously' dredge them up and fling them like flaming arrows from Oliver Queen's alter ego.

Yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, wronged, or who might think they were. It is especially hellish for them as they were trying to sift facts and events through hazy memories and questionable cognizance. But these "brave and courageous" (and clearly innocent, sweet, naive) women (who were in a bar illegally) persisted, constructing a great set of allegations while maintaining the purest of motives I'm sure.

"Fortunately," however, their memories were jogged, just-in-time, by the realization that an election was coming up, one that was likely to lost by the party in power but for the 'bravery' of these women anonymously stepping forward. And since no woman can lie about such a 'horrible' event, clearly Brown must be guilty, even before any charges are brought to bear, or any evidence is presented.

For we live in an 'enlightened' age, in this wonderful year 2018. Charges, trials, facts, and evidence are not necessary anymore; they are sooooo 20th century, and likely subject to the evils of the men who set them up. No, now society has far better and far fairer methods of justice; Facebook, Twitter and all manner of social media. It is these paragons of honesty and truth that will now sort through all the allegations and insinuations, dig up facts, and bring the full weight of justice upon the head of anyone thus found guilty of whatever it is that these allegations allege and impute.

And WHEN guilt is established (as it was, apparently, two hours after Brown's hastily called news conference explaining the allegations against him, forcing him to resign as P.C Party leader) or simply imputed to him because, well, he's a man, the political, personal and professional crucifixion shall commence. This, of course, will be especially painful if that person is (or has previously been) deemed sufficiently dangerous to disrupting the social order; an order set up and run by the High Priests of Political Correctness" and sermonized by the Bishops of Liberal NewSpeak.

And if, by chance, NO charges are laid or Brown (the terror, this cannot be allowed!) is found innocent after a real trial by the 'fake' and 'irrelevant courts that compromise Canada's and Ontario's Judicial system it will matter not a thing (ask Jian Ghomeshi). Indeed if these accusations prove as baseless as the ones by the girls who claimed to have had their hijabs damaged by a vile, racist, intolerant white man, who really gives a futz anyways?

For you see, in our 'enlightened age' of unproven allegations and sanctimonious Liberal/Leftist new-speak, a sacrifice is occasionally demanded to appease the god of this age, Political Correctness. Who cares what it will do to the victim in these 'brave and heroic' times! Send him to the gallows! Off with his political and professional head!

So, like the show trials in Stalin's era, we must watch as another man is brought before the public, claiming innocence against unproven allegations, before a faux court of social media that has decided his fate and pre-determined the outcome. Congrats 2018. You have done well. And year is only starting.

As for Brown, next time he might want to reconsider alienating potential friends; he will be needing ALL of them after this.