A Brief History of Aaznawk, and why we celebrate it!

By I.M. Ulysses.

Kwanzaa – made up holiday based on a Swahili word and started in 1966 to celebrate black culture from December 26 to January 1

Aaznawk – made up holiday based on reversing the letters of Kwanzaa to show how stupid it is to make up holidays in the first place. It is a festival designed to celebrate being stupid, and runs during the week leading up to April Fool’s Day, which is also the last and the Chief Day of this holiday.

A brief history of Aaznawk

Symbol/mascot:

Odie, used without permission, is the symbol of Aaznawk. He is a lovable, happy, stupid, almost useless dog, very much like every made up, fake holiday and celebration.

Principles:

Aaznawk was created on July 16 2016. As of this writing the origins of Aaznawk go back about 3 minutes (and counting) and stem, entirely, from the creators imagination and desire to mock people and pretentious, stupid holidays, along with the pretentious people that celebrate them. But I think it will catch on some day because people love having excuses to drink too much, eat too much, and buy stuff they don’t need for people they don’t really like in order to maintain their veneer of charity and civility.

Eventually people may realize how dumb it really is to celebrate something that is not based on any historical or religious event (like Kwanzaa). That, of course, may take a very long time before it happens, if it ever does. In the meantime, I hope this new holiday does what most holidays, real and imagined, do best: generate lots of cash flow from gullible people, who clearly have too much of it.

Some readers, no doubt, will think I’m evil, racist or bigoted for mocking faux holidays and/or their rituals because they somehow “appeal” to large numbers of “sincere” if  misguided people and/or a wide assortment of genuine morons and dupes. Actually, I think it makes me very pragmatic.

The Romans, for instance, knew that to keep people in line and happy, namely by giving them bread and circuses.  Occasionally, however, they would mix things up a bit by throwing in a few Christians (and other contrarians) to the lions, just to keep things interesting.

We, however, are more "civilized" then that. Instead of lions, we throw innocent people (and their real concerns and genuine traditions and holidays) to social reformers, lawyers, and liberals, who proceed to change or modify them according to their sensibilities, however warped and perverted they may be. This I find is actually a far worse fate than being tossed to the lions, though I prefer not having to make that choice if push comes to shove.

Either way, judge for yourselves what is right or wrong. In the end please note that I really, truly, and heartily don’t give a flippin damn what anyone thinks, my dears.  I simply hope that you get a good laugh or smile out of this, and also have something to ponder as you go on living and doing what really matters.

Now that we understand each other, for those who genuinely WANT to celebrate Aaznawk, I have devised an Order of Service. Unlike most holidays on the Western Calendar, I believe that quantity DOES equal quality, and to that end I’ve decreed (and it is so decreed…by Me, the founder) that Aaznawk should be celebrated over multiple days. Here now is the Order of Service of Aaznawk:

The OASOA (Order of service of Aaznawk)

1.  Aaznawk is not a "Holy Day" and, therefore, it cannot be a “holiday.” Aaznawk is more like a vacation ‘holiday’ and must be celebrated  in a similar manner; by spending money, buying lots of useless crap, and taking lots of photos of stupid or boring things you have done the holiday. Exercising monetary restraint, not buying useless crap, and taking interesting photos, is strictly forbidden.  Those violating this rule will be subject to 100 hours of listening Abba’s “Dancing Queen,” the worst, most stupid song ever written or played IN HUMAN HISTORY (hey, my holiday, my rules, my customs and yes, my taste in music, and penalties too).
2. The punishment can be served 100 hours straight or be broken up over 30 (but not exceeding) 30 calendar days, including weekends.
3. If the straight time punishment is selected, the guilty party will be provided with three half-hour breaks for bathroom usage, and four half hour breaks for lunch, dinner and breakfast per 24 hour cycle.  At all other times the song must be played at a conversation-level volume either through external speakers or through a personal music device at all other times until the 100 hours are completed (times for bathroom breaks and meal breaks cannot be deducted from the 100 hour punishment).
4.  Failure to carry out the full measure of the punishment will disqualify a person from participating in the rites and rituals of Aaznawk until they do.
5.  Aaznawk begins seven days prior to April Fool’s Day (also known as Atheists Day – read Psalm 14:1).
6. The first day of the holiday will be known as The GaF, or The Gathering of Fools Day. IF the GaF (which starts at 1:01 AM of the day designated) is set to begin on Sunday then it must be delayed one day and begin on Monday at 1:01 AM.
7. The final day of Aaznawk, April 1st, is to be known hereafter as Kulmination Day. It begins at 1:01 Am and ends at 6:01 PM on the same day. If Kulmination Day falls on a Sunday then it must be pushed forward one day and end at 6:01 PM on Monday or April 2.
8. Prior to the start of The GaF, people must be alert and sober. At precisely 1:01 Am of The GaF begins with the ceremony known as “The Cutting of  the Pizza” (or CoP)
9. The Pizza is the symbolic food of The GaF and must be prepared (or delivered fresh from the pizzeria) in this fashion:
10. The pizza must have a crust made of fresh dough (not frozen and then thawed – I hate that crap). The dough or crust must be made up of enriched white flour (whole wheat flour is permitted), yeast, salt and seasonings as desired. Crusts with cheese baked in them  are not permitted.
11. The pizza must include a sauce made of genuine tomatoes. It can be homemade or purchased from the store,, and seasoned with Italian seasonings (sauces bought from the store can either be a specific ‘pizza sauce’ or a pasta sauce as long as they are made from tomatoes – ‘white’ sauces or alternatives are not permitted). The amount of sauce on the pizza must, likewise, cover the whole pizza from the middle to the edge and be tasted in every bite.
12. The pizza must have 100% shredded mozzarella cheese.  Some parmesan cheese may be added for added flavour, but no other kind of cheese is allowed on the pizza.
13. The pizza MAY have pepperoni on the cheese (not under the cheese – we are not barbarians, Liberals, guys from Ottawa, or Albertans) and it must cover the pizza in such a way that every slice has at least one or two pieces of pepperoni on it. No other meats are allowed. Plain cheese pizza is acceptable but those choosing this option will not be allowed to include any other toppings. Also, anyone ordering or making a so-called 'Hawaiian Pizza" (pineapple and ham) must and will be given the same punishments as indicated in sections 1, 2, 3 and 4 - for the record, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "HAWAIIAN PIZZA" unless it is a pizza that is actually made IN Hawaii!. 
14. The pizza MAY have green or red peppers (diced or sliced) on it, and even onions. Onions alone are not permitted (we are not trying to kill people with bad breath). Additionally, the toppings must also be put on top of the cheese and not below it.
15. The pizza must be thoroughly cooked, with light browning of the cheese and a toasted look to the bottom. Over cooking the pizza is not permitted. If it is, it must be remade to qualify for the CoP ceremony  
16. The GaF pizza must be big enough to allow those attending to each get a minimum of one slice. Each slice must be smaller than 8 Cm wide at the crust edge in order to be fully enjoyed and qualified for the CoP
17. Prior to the cutting of the pizza, or the removal of the sacred First Slice (if delivered or picked up from a pizza parlour) the host must lead Prayer of Blessing on those gathered with them, to whoever deity they believe exists. For those hosts who don’t have a deity, you are requested to borrow one for the duration of Aaznawk, as long as you return him, her, or it, back in same the condition you found him, her, or it to the person, place or thing you borrowed the deity from.
18. The person who gets the sacred First Slice (selected by the host, who can also choose him or herself for the First Slice) must, upon completion of the Prayer of Blessing, raise the” Golden Chalice” and make a toast on behalf of those gathered.
19. The toast must be done in a spirit of humour and sincerity, and validated by the clicking the Golden Chalice by everyone attending the GaF.
20. The Golden Chalice can be any standard beer mug and contain a minimum of one pint of beer (all beers but Budweiser are permitted – Budweiser not being real beer). No other fluid, including dealcoholized beers, are permitted for this toast.
21.  Everyone attending must also have a similar chalice, filled with the identical beer, or a dark soft drink (including a diet soft drink). But only the person performing the toast, which must contain beer, shall be deemed to possess the Golden Chalice.
22. Upon completion of the toast, all participants must say “Thank you” simultaneously and take a drink from their mugs prior to eating their slices of pizza.
23.  After the CoP, the GaF continues until the first light of dawn. During that time, GaFfers may indulge in more eating or drinking. A good host is also obligated to keep enough pizza and beer (or soft drinks) around until all have had their full.
24.  At a time no later than dawn, the festivities must end (if they have not ended beforehand due to tiredness, drunkenness, sickness, or police intervention). At that point, the GaFfers who are still conscious and in attendance, must gather for the Tall Tales Talk (or Triple T).
25.  Triple T involves the telling of funny or humour stories (whether true or not, though most stories are more fun if true than not) about people they know, people they like, people they hate,  or people that they wish they knew. They can also include stories of those in attendance, and/or of oneself.
26.  After everyone has told their story, the host must determine which is the Tallest of the Tall Tales. The teller of the Tall Tale gets the coveted "BS Award,"that the host has bought and placed under the Tall Tale Tree (the tree has to be a minimum of  6.5 ft. tall, real or artificial, and decorated with lights and other assorted paraphernalia)
27.  After the BS Award, GaFfers can exchange gifts with each other, if they so wish. The gifts must reflect the festive nature of this holiday and show both taste and humour.
28. After gifts are exchanged, the host can dismiss the GaFfers or the GaFfers can stay and pass out on the floor or couch as they deem best. Under no circumstances, however, can a host allow a GaFfer to leave or try to drive drunk (this is not a frat party after all!).
29. The second day of Aaznawk is known as ‘HO Day’ or Hangover Day. HO Day is to be celebrated no later than 9:00 am by the ceremonial ‘Washing of faces’ and the ‘drinking of Alka-Seltzer.’   This is to be followed by the ceremonial ‘First cup of Joe’ where  those who took part in the GaF may, on their own, or if in the company of others, drink coffee (or strong tea) until a level of consciousness is reached, sufficient to call or say to fellow GaFfers the blessing ‘How Wasted Was I?”
30. If the reply given is akin to ‘hey, dude, I was too wasted myself’ then the reply must be or include the phrase ‘dude, that’s awesome.’
31. If the reply given is akin too ‘hey dude I don’t know and I don’t know who this chick lying naked next to me is’ the reply must include the phrase ‘awesome! You rocked it.’
32. If the reply contains a reference to a person of the same sex, animal, or inanimate object, the reply must include the phrase ‘dude, that’s messed up.   
33. The rest of HO Day must be spent in recovery. This can including staying in bed, staying at home, or at a friend’s place (preferably a fellow GaFfer’s). During the day, the holy Ritual of the WoT (Watching of TV) must be performed for no less than 4 hours. Those who must go to work, however, will be permitted to perform a minimum WoT of two hours upon their return is required home (please note that the TV does not have to be on, or a show be playing, for the WoT to take place. It is merely done to show reverence to the makers of TV, the greatest invention (almost) since pizza.
34. Any and all food is permitted during the WoT ritual, though potato or corn chips, popcorn, chocolate, pizza, or fried chicken, is considered the most suitable. Drinks must follow the guidelines set in the OASOA rules 20 and 21.
35. Upon completion of the WoT, all GaFfers are required to say the blessing ‘All hail TV.’ This concludes the requirements of HO Day and participants are free from any further rituals until the following day.
36. The third day of Aaznawk is known as ‘Squat.’ Squat is the day set about for the doing of nothing or as close to nothing as possible without (see rules # 37-41 below):
37.  - Being considered legally dead
38.  - Getting fired from your job (if you must go to work)
39.  - Soiling your clothes or the room you are in
40.  - Getting into a fight with your spouse, female lover, kids, or anyone else
41.  - Interfering in the lives of those around you.
42. Squat begins at 12 Midnight of the third day and ends at 11:59 PM of the third day.        
43. The fourth day of Aaznawk is known as ‘Half Wit’ in honour of the festival being half over . Half-Wit Day (hereafter known "The  HaWD ") begins at 12 noon of the fourth day and ends at 11:59 PM of the same. During the day participants are required to say, in a conversational voice, at least one stupid thing per hour. The remark can also be racist, sexist, irreligious, bigoted, politically-incorrect, or just plain insulting. If a participant is questioned about their remark, they should not apologize. Rather they are to simply state that they are celebrating The HaWD and it is bigoted and racist for anyone to question the sincerity of their religious convictions or beliefs, or try to limit them in any way because we represent oppressed minority and our rights are protected under all  laws and statues covering the same.
44. The fifth day of Aaznawk is known as ‘Five’ because it is the fifth day. Nothing special happens on this day. If, however, one meets, knows, or encounters someone else who is celebrating Aaznawk, they are to say “Hail to the Fifth” or “Hi Five.” If meeting in person, this can be accompanied by mutual ‘high fiving’ of right hands.
45. The sixth day of Aaznawk is to be known as the ‘Pre Kulmination Day’ or ‘Preparation K. Day.’ (Prep K Day is also an acceptable short form).
46. Prep K Day is the day selected for the participants of Aaznawk to reflect upon the freedom and joy that comes with being stupid. Parties, much like The GaF, are encouraged, where-in all attendees are to gather round and share the experience of being stupid in the past year and how they can continue to be stupid in the year ahead too. 
47. Prep K Day Begins at 12:01 Am on the day preceding Kulmination Day and goes until 11:59 PM of the same day.
48. If Prep K Day falls on a Saturday, then Prep K Day must be pushed into Sunday as Kulmination Day cannot fall on a Sunday.
49. If Prep K Day falls on a Saturday, then Prep K Day becomes known as “The Festival of the 6^th or “The FiX”
50. The FiX is to be celebrated much like “Five” except when one meets or encounters someone else celebrating Aaznawk they are to say the blessing “The FiX is in” and “Hail to the FiX.”  “High fives,” like wise, are to be broken up as two “high threes” using the three middle fingers of the hand.
51. The 7^th Day of Aaznawk is known as The Kulmination. Kulmination is the ‘high’ but not ‘holy’ day of Aaznawk (see The OASOA #1). It involves the annual "Parading and Kissing of The Odie" at sunrise. The parade should be a minimum of two average city blocks long, with The Odie being the last float or object in it. As it passes by, people celebrating Aaznawk in person must reach out and touch or kiss The Odie, symbolizing their unity of stupid people and their continued support of the same. If a person cannot be at the parade, they can still celebrate Kulmination Day by watching it on tv and touching or kissing the screen as The Odie goes by.
52.  Recorded versions of the parade are also suitable if shown before noon, though recordings of previous years' parades do not qualify…unless of course you think you can get away with it (those that can will be known as the Dukes of Dumbass for pulling it off).
53. After The Odie passes, people should hug and jump for joy, knowing that Stupid has been preserved yet for another year. Those present at the parade should go home and share with their families, and their guests, the joy of being stupid though song and story. This is also the final time during the celebration where it is permitted to exchange gifts, though the gifts given on this day must be superior in value (a minimum of 50% more) to the ones given before. These gifts can only be given after the Passing of the Odie at the end of the parade. Those violating this rule will be known as Kill Joy Kulminators and must re-watch the parade and host another party to make it up before the week is over.
54. Kulmination Day begins at 12:01 am of April 1^st or April 2^nd if April 1^st falls on a Sunday. It ends at 12:02 am of April 2^nd or April 3^rd because, face it, there is nothing better than celebrating being stupid for a little longer each year.